It's that time over again: Today at ComicsAlliance, I slug it out with anther 5 hundred pages of the Previews Catalog!

There are, withal, a couple of corrections I need to make to this 1.

First up, I claim in the article that I'g completely unfamiliar with Felicia Mean solar day, when, as alert ISB reader Guy Segal points out, that's clearly not the example, every bit she had a supporting role every bit Penelope Hope, the theater major turned cheerleader in Bring Information technology On Again!

This means that not merely practise I own i of her movies on DVD, only that I'thou pretty sure I accept a sticker with her face on it, and as the Net's Foremost Bringitologist, I deeply regret this mistake. Although I think the fact that I responded to "She's in Bring It On Over again" with "Oh, is she Penelope?!" does a lot to confirm that condition, every bit it's pretty much proof that I can proper name more Bring It On characters than merely about everyone else.

Secondly, there'south an item in this month's Previews that I but didn't get to: The Dragon Age: Origins comic. Fortunately, Pal Dorian caught information technology for his round-up, and I concord with every word he said.

Savor!

What, yous thought I was kidding?

Yes, last calendar week saw the release of the 5th installment of anybody'south favorite cheersploitation franchise, Bring it On: Fight to the Finish. And every bit the Internet'south foremost Bringitologist, I figured I should spread the discussion to the masses, and I've got to admit: This is the best Bring It On picture show since Bring It On 3: All Or Nothing.

That may sound similar damnation with faint praise to the Non-On-Bringers among you lot, but the fact is that All Or Nothing (also known as Bring It On: The One With Hayden Panettiere) is far and away the best of the direct-to-video sequels. None of them, of course, are anywhere near as practiced equally the original (which thanks largely to Jessica Bendinger's script, is, yous know, an actual movie) but All or Cipher is definitely meliorate than In It To Win It and well ahead of Bring Information technology On Again. And on the offset viewing at least, Fight to the Terminate is pretty comparable.

And patently someone at Universal agrees with me, equally you can buy a iii-pack with Bring Information technology Ons 1, iii and 5. They call information technology the "All-Star Pack" (every bit opposed to my beloved "Cheerbook Drove," which included ane-4 and stickers ), but they might as well take just called it Bring It On: Just The Expert Ones.

And then what sets Fight to the Finish apart? For i thing, it actually looks like a picture, which is a nice pace up from In It To Win It, which had the look of an ABC Family unit Original Motion-picture show. And for another, information technology opens upwards with a grouping of Latino gangstas doing a routine set to a dance mix of "Lean Like a Cholo."

This alone would be plenty to get in the all-time of the sequels, even if it didn't include a scene where a cheerleader says this:

Well it made me laugh.

Merely that's not to say that Bring It On Cinco (the working title that I still prefer to the more generic one information technology concluded up with) is without its faults. It'southward pretty well riddled with 'em, chief amongst them being that the protagonist is the nigh unlikeable person in the entire picture show.

The plot is substantially All Or Nothing washed in opposite, which isn't also much of a surprise since this one was cowritten by All Or Cypher screenwriter Alyson Fouse, re-teaming with Elena Vocal, with whom she cowrote In It To Win It. In that one, upper-class Britney had to bargain with losing her wealth and social status at an affluent high schoolhouse when she transferred to Crenshaw Heights, but here, Lina (Christina Milian) goes through the reverse when her mother marries a rich guy and she moves to a palatial estate, transferring from Due east LA to the much nicer Malibu Visa High.

And she is a total dick virtually it.

Admittedly, if there'southward one affair we've learned from the Bring Information technology On franchise thus far, it's that cheerleaders at poor schools are better and truer friends than the imitation-donkey busters of the rich neighborhoods, but considering this is Bring It On v, I'm pretty sure that this kind of metafictional thinking didn't influence the script all that much. Instead, we're given a daughter who thinks that suddenly having a ton of money and going to a school without the occasional drive-by is the worst affair that's ever happened to her, and she takes out her frustration past being an incredible wiggle to her new stepfather and doting stepsister. She never really acts like a hero, and is more the protagonist past default, mainly past virtue of the fact that the camera is pointed at her more than information technology'southward pointed at anyone else.

Also, she's apparently a skillful enough cheerleader that her new schoolhouse makes her captain subsequently she practices i routine with them for literally less than one minute, but that might have more than to do with the fact that all of the school'south skilful cheerleaders have defected to an independent squad.

Which brings me to my next question nearly this matter: An contained cheerleading team? Can you do that? I mean, I know that cheerleading is a sport on its own and all that (and I know this because the Wikipedia article for Cheerleading used to have that sentence with six citations, because someone wanted to exist! Defensive! B-E! Defensive!) but isn't information technology sort of rooted in, you know, cheering for something? A cheerleading squad with null to cheer for seems like it might exist the saddest matter always, but I guess information technology'southward possible. If any of you lot reading this are cheerleaders, let me know.

Aw, who am I kidding? Of grade none of yous are cheerleaders. That's why you're reading a comics weblog.

Anyway, the non-schoolhouse squad (the Jaguars), are led by Avery…

…who is portrayed as the villain, despite the fact that forming an independent cheer squad after you're cut from the school'due south is exactly what the heroine of Bring It On Once more does.

I'd try to effigy out the mechanics, but I was more worried about the fact that Avery'due south villain motivation seems to be based entirely on the fact that Lina is dating her blood brother (a guy who struck me as the love child of Jason Bateman and Jimmy Olsen), which mostly plays out in a scene where she hassles him at the pool in her bikini and at a party where she tries to distract him from wooing Lina by slutting up the dance floor.

Oh, and subsequently Lina's team beats Avery'southward at the Big Cheer Competition (spoiler alert!), Avery immediately throws herself into her brother'due south arms for comfort, leading our two romantic leads to finish the movie with i of them with an armload of someone else.

Direct upward: This thing's got more incestuous subtext than Cruel Intentions.

As to how Lina manages to beat the Jaguars despite their renowned Jaguar Skills (Hoooooooo!), that'southward the source of another bit of consternation. In order to train her new squad, Lina somehow engineers the transfer of ii of her old squadmates to Malibu Vista, with absolutely no explanation of how they got at that place. There's the suggestion that Lina's stepdad arranges information technology and that Lina invites them to live in his firm without asking, which is just rude, but how this happens isn't actually addressed, other than a deleted scene (and yep, I watched the deleted scenes) where the girls fake a drive-by shooting to convince him to let Treyvonetta go to MVHS.

The only time that it's ever brought upward beyond that is when the subterfuge is found out and the girls are expelled due to the machinations of Avery'due south personal Iago, Kayla, who gives us the unmarried best line of this (and perchance any other) film:

Despite those (absolutely major) flaws and the fact that the franchise once once again rejects the nonstandard, Rocky-esque climax of the original, it's nonetheless pretty well-written, well-acted, and it was nice to come across Nikki SooHoo show up, as her role in Jessica Bendinger's Stick It makes her the start ever actress to star in two movies of the Bring It On family. And so yes, information technology's certainly enjoyable as directly-to-video Bring It On sequels go.

Which basically means that it'due south enjoyable for me and Dr. K.

And then, our seven-twenty-four hour period cheerebration of the Bring It On franchise comes to a close, and while I hope that you've taken this opportunity to learn the lessons these films can teach united states:

That y'all have to believe in yourself, even when your squad doesn't.

That beingness off-white is better than being the best, even in the world of cheerleading.

That cheerleaders of all races, whether they're Rancho Carne Toros, East Compton High Clovers, Pacific Vista Pirates, Crenshaw Heights Warriors, or fifty-fifty W Coast Sharks and East Coast Jets, are endowed with equal spirit. Or in other words, that Vanilla Latte does indeed have skillz.

That the perpetrators of Cheerleader Ninjas are evil, evil men.

And of course, that Cheer Crips tin't be hittin' it with no Cheer Bloods.*

All great lessons, and a tribute to the day-to-twenty-four hour period usefulness that a careful study of the Tetralogy. Only if there'south only one thing that you take away from this cheerstravaganza, I'd like information technology to be this:

SHE'S

Notwithstanding

BIG

Crimson!

Happy Bring Information technology On Week, Everybody!

THE BRING-It-ONTEST: THE WINNER!

Considering that Bring Information technology On Week was originally conceived as an exercise in alienating my readers, I never expected to go so many entries in this calendar week's contest. What I definitely didn't expect, though, was for so many of them to actually exist actually funny.

Also, I never expected someone to reference Ninja III: The Domination. Nice.

But alas, I've only got one spare copy of Bring It On laying around, and sadly, I could only narrow it downwardly to one winner. So without further ado, your winner in the beginning annual Torrance Shipman Memorial Name-That-Sequel Contest goes to…

Ted Belmont, for Doctor Cheerlove or: How I Learned to Terminate Worrying and Bring It On!

Congratulations, Ted! You've won yourself a copy of the Bring It On widescreen collector'southward edition DVD! Vaya con cheeros, senor.

As for the residual of you, thanks for participating, and hey! Why not buy your own copy and just tell people yous won? Not like they're gonna fact-cheque the origins of your Bring It On DVD or anything.

Unless, of course, you live in a totalitarian Cheertatorship.

This night'Southward BRING It ON WEEK CHEERFILIATES:

Bring Information technology On Week might be over, merely the spirit lives on in the hearts of the ISB's Cheerfiliates, who are the foundation upon which my pyramid is built.

Tonight, Dave Lartigue gets into the swing of things by weaving the eldritch strands of Legomancy!

And of course, Cheerfiliate Squad Captain Bully comes through once once more to rebut those who still call back that cheerleading doesn't brand for a good time with an endorsement from none other than Sir Pelham Granville Wodehouse himself. No, really.

Cheers, guys! Yous've got spirit, yes you practise!

*: Actual quote. Seriously, Bring It On: In It To Win It is amazing.

Despite the presence of a "cheer-rumble" in In It To Win It and the incorporation of the Cal Country Martial Arts Society into Bring Information technology On Again's "Renegades" squad, the Bring It On films are nearly disturbingly gratis of violence. If, you know, you don't count that time that Sparky Polastri flicks Eliza Dushku's nose.

But let's be existent here: That's not going to satisfy the Devourer of Funk when he puts out the phone call for fighting! Fortunately, I was able to discover a suitable substitute…

For those of y'all unfamiliar with Geoff Johns' all-time comic, that'southward Shiv–who conforms full-tilt to the Evil Head Cheerleader stereotype, even unto super-villanous extremes–in the foreground, displaying proper spirit, and Courtney–who would go on to bring together the JSA and accept the name "Stargirl"–off on the right, trying to preserve her modesty.

Sadly, the actual battle doesn't have a lot to do with their cheerleading, but I think I've stock-still that pretty handily. Later on all, this isn't a democracy…

And that'southward Cheereal.

You tin discover a footling more cheerleading and a lot more face-kicking in the pages of the recently nerveless Stars and S.T.R.I.P.Eastward., by Geoff Johns and Lee Moder.

TONIGHT'South BRING Information technology ON WEEK CHEERFILIATES

Subsequently a minor diversion involving both bad donuts and Pac-Human, bitterandrew returns to Bringing It On with a round-upward of music videos featuring cheerleaders, who atomic number 82 cheers, complaining neglectful boyfriends, and conductor in the era of Grunge.

Head Cheerfiliate Bully keeps the pom-poms flying with one of his trademark 10 of a Kind posts, and as a plumbing equipment sign of my bad influence on the Comics Blogger Internet, it includes Tarot. What hath I wrought?!

Besides, Bully goes the extra mile by bringing GI Joe: Special Missions #24 to my attention, equally its plot revolves around the lovely ladies of the GI Joe squad going undercover as cheerleaders for a baseball team…

…and while I hate to be the one to point this out, baseball doesn't actually accept cheerleaders. Still, it got Jinx and Encompass Girl into a chorus line, so I'm willing to forgive.

And finally, while information technology includes exactly zero pictures of comic book characters in cheerleader oufits, onetime ISB Contest Winner Cap'n Neurotic offers up a post on his memories of beingness lucky enough to catch Bring Information technology On in the theater.

Alas, there are some things for which even cheerleading must pause. And this, my friends, is i of them:

Bring Information technology On Week or not, it's still Th nighttime here on the ISB, and that means it's fourth dimension for another circular of the Internet's About Spirited Comics Reviews! Merely this week, we're going to exist doing things a little differently.

Ordinarily, I endeavor to stay away from absolute rating systems, considering really: Telling yous a comic is "three stars" or whatever doesn't tell you every bit much as writing out what I actually thought of it. Of class, making a joke about ROM: Spaceknight doesn't really practice the job either, only the signal stands. Tonight, notwithstanding, I'yard switching upwardly the format, because in addition to my normal review, I'll be ranking each comic I review by assigning it the character from the Bring Information technology On tetralogy that most accurately captures how I feel nigh information technology–or equally I like to call them… their Bringitonalogues..

Now then! Comics… In-troduce yourselves!

And now, the reviews. Set? Okay!

Comics

Amazing Spider-Man #551: This issue marks something of a milestone for me: This is the outset fourth dimension that I've actually laughed at one of Spider-Man's jokes in what seems like years.

I'm sure that it really hasn't been that long–I'1000 pretty easy to please in terms of Spider-Humor, and if you lot count the Spidey from Marvel Adventures Avengers, I know Jeff Parker got a chuckle out of me during "Ego the Loving Planet"–merely information technology's been a rarity over the by couple of years. And nonetheless, here we are, closing out the starting time run by the writer I was expecting to detest the most, and the new thrice-monthly Amazing Spider-Human being hasn't allow me down yet, and I'll be the offset to acknowledge that I'm pretty surprised past that.

Which brings us to Amazing Spider-Man's Bringitonalogue:

Let's be honest hither, folks: Bring It On Once more, which cribs its plot pretty direct from Mighty Ducks 2, is the weak link in the serial, and there'due south no reason why Tina, the villainous head cheerleader of Cal State College, should be any good at all, when in fact, her complete dedication to scenery-chewing pep-team evil makes her one of the virtually fun characters in the serial.

The comparison hither should be clear: Brand New Twenty-four hour period's coming out of what is unquestionably the worst Spider-Man story in… Yes, I'm gonna go ahead and say "e'er," but for 6 straight issues, information technology's consistently been the volume that I expect near forward to reading. Don't get me incorrect: I've said it earlier that at that place'southward nothing that I like about these issues that couldn't accept been done without Spider-Man making a deal with the devil and ditching his wife, but the fact of the thing is that while they were trying to set up the wrong trouble–Peter Parker's marriage–they finally got around to fixing the right ane as well, and now we've got decent writers and fun, fast-paced stories once more.

And too, they somewhen forgive Tina, despite the fact that she remains unrepentant throughout the film. And so while I'm still a little bugged that I accept to pretend ane of my favorite characters didn't sell his soul to Mephisto, maybe it'll all work out in the end.

Conan #49: I know what yous're thinking: "Surely, Chris is not about to compare Sword-and-Sorcery's about savage barbaric to a high school cheerleader." Well believe it, brother: It'southward Bring It On Week!

Anyway, I'm notwithstanding not certain why Nighttime Horse is ending Conan next month and relaunching information technology equally Conan the Cimmerian, but Tim Truman'due south definitely heading towards the big finale of "The Hand of Nergal" at full steam. And really, this one's got information technology all: In that location's the standard elements that are there just in case you forgot y'all were reading a Conan story–damsels in distress, wenches in peril, a dark god of the abyss threatening to rend the veil of etc.–but by tying it into Iniri'south journeying following Conan, Truman has actually made it feel similar the last v years of Conan are building up to this 1 big fight.

And of course, information technology doesn't injure that "Conan lived." is 1 of the nearly badass captions a guy could ask for, either.

And then who fits that mold in the globe of Cheerleading? Why, none other than Torrance, of course! I hateful actually: When this issue starts, Conan'due south in the roughest shape that we've seen him in the entire run, dragging himself out from below a pile of bodies while a vulture tries to eat him, but instead of giving up, he grabs the nearest sword and sets off to engage in his favorite pastime, Sorcerer-Murder. It's the same kind of fighting spirit that drives Torrance to double her efforts fifty-fifty after a humiliating defeat at Regionals! And they're both faced with making difficult choices, although to be fair, Conan's struggle over whether or not to spare Ereshka from the pain of living past chopping off her head may exist Slightly different from trying to decide whether to continue using stolen cheers.

As well, and this is a fiddling-known fact, Robert E. Howard invented spirit fingers. Seriously, look it upwardly.

ISB Best OF THE WEEK

The Immortal Iron Fist: Orson Randall and the Light-green Mist of Death: This, I think, comes every bit a surprise to no one.

And it shouldn't: There's not a whole lot that says "Hey Chris, read this" more than a comic where the Golden Historic period Iron Fist and his running crew of pulp action sidekicks slug it out with murderous cowgirls, Hydra Henchmen and the freakin' son of Frankenstein, and Matt Fraction pulls it all off with the same fun and excitement that he and Ed Brubaker bring to the monthly title. It'south solid activeness, and while there could've been a little more of Orson Randall firing chi-powered bullets from his handguns for my tastes, let's be honest: Equally far as I'grand concerned, there's never gonna be plenty of that.

What really makes this one interesting for me, though, isn't and so much the further adventures of Orson Randall equally information technology is the exploration of the John Aman, Prince of Orphans, who–unlike the Gilded Age Atomic number 26 Fist–really did be in the Golden Age. I retrieve information technology'due south off-white to say that my love of stories where tough-guys requite Ratzis the business has led me to exist a little more than familiar with Aureate Age comics than the boilerplate reader, but I had no thought that Aman was actually Centaur Publications' Astonishing Human until a well-informed ISB reader pointed it out to me. As it turns out, Atomic number 26 Fist co-creator Roy Thomas cites Amazing Human as one of the chief influences in the Fist'southward origin, and thus, Fraction and Brubaker are completing a big ol' circle of kung fu action comics.

Clearly, there'due south but i cheerleader that tin can alive upwards to those standards.

That's right, folks: It's Isis, the captain of the Due east Compton High School Clovers, the greatest cheerleader in Bring It On history. And with her often-imitated, never-duplicated cheerleading skills and a squad that includes both LaFred and Jenelope, information technology'southward non hard to run into how she parallels Orson Randall and his Confederates of the Curious.

And of course, much similar Gabrielle Union herself, Orson Randall and the Greenish Mist of Death is pretty easy on the eyes, thanks to an all-star art squad that boasts a Nick Dragotta/Mike Allred combination and the legendary Russ Heath, who offers up one of the virtually jaw-snapping kicks to the face that I've e'er seen. And, you know, I've seen a lot. Plus, in that location's more to both Isis and Orson than what made it into the finished production: As Phil pointed out, at that place are scenes of the Eastward Compton High cheerleaders in the trailer that were later cut, and if you caput over to Matt Fraction's website, you can find the script for four splash-folio chapter openers that were left out for space.

Plus, green and yellow? Come up on, those are totally Iron Fist's colors!

Incredible Hercules #114: You know, three years agone, I didn't even similar Hercules.

Okay, admittedly: I like him in Under Siege (the Avengers story, not the Segal moving picture), and he was in the greatest make full-in issue of all time, just that'due south well-nigh where my interest in the guy stopped, and there was no way I'd be on for an ongoing series.

This, though? I could read this stuff all day.

I've mentioned before that Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente are doing a book that'south more in the vein of Walt Simonson's Thor than anything else, with a blend of Curiosity Comics and traditional mythology that's only purely entertaining, and there'southward nowhere that'south more evident than in this issue, where Hercules' hallucinations move laterally from his battle with Laomedon's minions in Ancient Troy to a throwdown alongside the Champions of Los Angeles. And of course, information technology doesn't hurt that Pak and Van Lente have made Ares one of the funniest villains since Dirk Anger, or that the bumbling target of his hilarious evil is that almost hated Avenger, Stupid Stupid Wonder Homo, all while keeping him a major threat. Information technology's a great book.

Or to put it anther mode, dude it's Darcy.

Ah, Darcy. Some of you might recall that out of the entire roster of the Rancho Carne Toros, Darcy was the but 1 that choreographer/con-man Sparky Polastri singled out as having "good skin tone and full general musculature," and if that's not the best mode to describe Koi Pham'south notation-perfect art in this book through a cheer-based metaphor, and then blood brother, I don't know what is. And while she's frequently disregarded as a minor graphic symbol–much the same mode that Incredble Herc has been pushed to the side to make room for the new Hulk title–the fact that she besides appeared on four episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess and thus became eligible for the ISB's upcoming Dark Xena Calendar week has definitely earned her a place in our hearts.

Admittedly, Sparky also goes on to claim that her donkey is in danger of growing so large equally to start its own website–despite the fact that the role of a website created by an ass is already taken–just so what? Some of us like 'em circular, and… Well, I take no real fashion of tying that dorsum into Hercules at all. Seriously though, Darcy. Call me.

The Order #8: Ah, the Society. Y'all were likewise, too solid for this globe.

Past at present, you guys take probably already heard that The Lodge'due south been cancelled as of #10, and actually, that'due south a damn shame, because it'south ane of the best team books that Marvel's been publishing lately. Nevertheless, I've got to mitt it to Fraction and Kitson for this i, considering despite the fact that the story'south clearly heading to the climactic battle confronting the Men From South.H.A.D.O.Due west. before the end of the run, it doesn't read like a plot that's being rushed to become the plot threads tied up in fourth dimension. Simply then once more, that could just be due to the style the book's already crammed total of action to begin with.

In any case, it's a solid read, and the idea of Tony Stark's pet team going upwardly confronting a madman who tried to pull off the Fifty-Country Initiative years ago makes for a very interesting conflict.

And interesting conflicts are, of form, Carson's specialty. Much the same way that Fraction's working to bring pieces of Marvel's various ongoing events together–using this issue, for example, to tie a fellow member of an Initiative team to House of M and linking the plot to Civil State of war–Carson's got to pull together the fragments of 2 cheerleading squads into something that, hopefully, people volition like enough that information technology won't get cancel–er, I mean, that they'll win the competition. And she fifty-fifty does information technology with an alleged goth girl who claims to be auspicious for Satan! See? Information technology'southward scary accurate.

Umbrella Academy #6: I've gotta say, now that it'due south all said and done, this has easily been i of the all-time comics of the year. Everything about it, from the large stuff similar a plot that could be accurately described as "an albino violin adult female and her evil hench-orchestra endeavor to blow up the world" to the more subtle details, like the fact that the Seance's hands are tattooed like a Ouijia lath to friction match the symbol on his costume (which seriously took me until this result to finally become), all drawn beautifully by Gabriel Ba, just comes off as about-perfect loftier concept entertainment.

And you know what? I'll admit that I'm nevertheless a little surprised. I probably shouldn't be, especially now that I've had half-dozen months to get used to the idea, and given that there are plenty of writers–like, say, Christos Gage–who came to comics from other fields and went on to do some great stuff, but come on. Going from writing Constabulary & Order to Stormwatch PHD is a slightly smaller footstep than going from "I'm Not Okay" to an explosion-fueled mix of BPRD and the Ten-Men.

I judge information technology just goes to show that I didn't learn the lesson of Missy Pantone.

After all, she came from a unlike place and a sport outside cheerleading, and not only conquered against an audition that was stacked against her, only became the Toros' moral middle and helped Torrance pb them to their start honest competition.

And also to their Bikini Car Wash, which is at least as important as finding one'due south moral center.

Zorro #ane: I wouldn't really consider myself a huge fan of the grapheme, but I've always liked Zorro. And actually, who wouldn't? I hateful, the guy battles evil while wearing the sweetest hat in the history of law-breaking-fighting, makes a addiction of picayune vandalism, and I think it's been well-established that I'grand predisposed to enjoying the adventures of rich guys with undercover anti-crime basements who wear capes and fight people. All the same, it wasn't until I heard that the new Zorro series was going to be written past Matt Wagner that I got excited about it.

Wagner is, hands down, 1 of my all-time favorite comics creators. Between Mage (i of the first independent comics I got into), his recent work on Batman, and the criminally underrated Doctor Mid-Nite, that guy'due south knocked out of the park more consistently than merely about anyone, and similar Walt Simonson, he'south one of those guys that I'll buy whatever he does, no questions asked.

But with Zorro, I've got to acknowledge that I'm a little disappointed. The biggest problem–for me, anyhow–is that, well, Zorro'south not in information technology. To be fair, there'southward a hell of a lot of Diego de la Vega running around equally a kid and learning nearly right and wrong, and if you want to be a stickler for detail, there is i folio where our title character makes a brief appearance, only come up on: When I drib iii bucks for a volume called Zorro, I want to run into some swashes buckled early and often.

Instead, Wagner gives the states an incredibly detailed origin that I would've been fine with as a nix issue or a preview, and I can't help just be reminded of Penn, the hunky male person cheerleader love involvement from Bring It On: In It To Win It.

I know, I know, simply bear with me here. See, it'south not that I begrudge Wagner for wanting to show the origin, simply at this point, after 89 years of Zorro floating around in pop culture, I doubt that it'due south actually all that necessary to accept it correct there at the front without first showing us the end effect. He's such an influential character that he himself is visual shorthand for the masked avenger, and the why at this betoken is far less important to me than the action itself. Admittedly, it'south piece of cake enough to flip that around and say that after 89 years, we've already seen what Diego becomes, merely non the details of his motivation, just to that, I say this: I bought Zorro, not The Adventures of Li'l Diego de la Vega. Just sayin'.

Which brings u.s. dorsum to Penn. I mean actually, exercise we honestly demand to know that his begetter wouldn't approve if he institute out he was a male person cheerleader? He's a male cheerleader; I think nosotros tin can all see that at that place might exist some friction with pops in that location. So instead of explaining why he's got a set of nunchucks in his suitcase, have him bosom 'em out and break some heads.

And I mean that metaphorically and literally.

Human. If I stretch this metaphor whatever further, I run the hazard of serious injury when it snaps back, then as far as comics are concerned, that's the week. If you lot have any questions or comments, or if you lot're just curious every bit to why Chelsea from In It To Win It represents Youngblood, experience gratuitous to get out a cheer in the comments section beneath.

Now if you'll excuse me, Tony Grand'southward "Dos and Don'ts of Cheerleading" own't gonna watch itself.

Despite the fact that I've been doing my best to spread the word this calendar week, it looks like there are nevertheless a few of you out there who are laboring under the mistaken impression that Bring Information technology On is non a good flick. Clearly, this is not the case. Heck, Bring It On isn't even the worst film in the smashing Heirarchy of Cheersploitation Cinema.

Run across, it goes like this: At the centre, you've got Bring It On, which is actually pretty well-written and a lot sharper than information technology had to exist. Below that, there are the sequels: All Or Nothing, which revisits the themes of the first movie and dares to show that people of all races are endowed with equal spirit; In It To Win It, in which star-crossed lovers borrow liberally from West Side Story; and of course, Bring It On Once again, which is terrible. These aren't necessarily skillful by whatever stretch of the imagination, only in true Exploitation way, they succeed past going after their target marketplace with an aggression that'southward unmatched. Seriously, In It To Win Information technology even includes a step-past-step guide to two full cheer routines, and no, I have non tried them in my bedchamber, thank you for request.

Beyond those, at to the lowest degree for my purposes, you've got everything else. In concluding night's post on Armagideon Fourth dimension, ISB Cheerfiliate Bitterandrew mentioned Gimme an F and The Pom Pom Girls.

And of course, if you're looking for fare that doesn't really pre-date my nativity, the cheerleading/heist picture Sugar and Spice and lesbian coming of age epic But I'm a Cheerleader are only slightly less well-known than than the BIO tetralogy. Even an ancillary title like the gymnastaganza that is Stick It has an entry in the Journal of Bring Information technology On Studies, what with the fact that it's screenwriter Jessica Bendinger's follow-up and,coincidentally, virtually the exact same moving picture.

And yet, it's Bring Information technology On that stands out above all of them, and and then I'm still a little mystified by the folks that retrieve it'south a bad cheerleading movie. The only thing I can think of to explain this is that y'all guys have never actually seen a truly awful cheerleading movie.

And in that example, permit me to enlighten. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you lot…

CHEERLEADER NINJAS

The more than sharp-eyed amid you might notice that I neglected to include the usual handy Amazon link for this one, and that's because it is, without question, one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.

And yes, I know what you're thinking: "Just Chris! Cheerleaders and ninjas?" and I know. Believe me, I know. There are even kicks to the confront and an honest-to-God acquit-fight in this thing, but its awfulness is such that it destroys the joy of these things and leaves only pain.

Here's what the friendly folks at Netflix have to say about this gem:

When a cluster of religious women wrongly accuse the local high school cheerleaders of producing and disseminating porn over the Internet, the girls must endeavor to reclaim their reputatsions. The Happy Valley Loftier pep squad soon discovers that unbeknownst to them, they've been used as pawns in an Internet sex scheme. Armed with newly minted kung fu skills, the girls set out to clear their names.

That is, substantially, the plot, but information technology leaves out one major detail, so if I can suggest an alternate summary…

In this 96-minute "film" that somehow escaped being outlawed under the Geneva convention, writer/manager Kevin Campbell vents his burning hatred for humanity through the medium of fart jokes. Information technology is the enemy of everything proficient and decent in this world, and volition rob you of the ability to experience true happiness. From hell'southward eye, he stabs at thee… For hate's sake, he spits his final breath at thee. Rated R.

And that's existence charitable. Merely peradventure I ought to back that up a trivial.

And so then: Cheerleader Ninjas–non to be dislocated with George Takei's upcoming Ninja Cheerleaders–was released in 2003, looks like it was shot in 1981, and is… awful. Just atrocious.

The story, such as it is, follows the adventures of 3 loftier school cheerleaders who appear to be in their mid-thirties, led by Angela (as played by Angela Brubaker) and Angela'due south Breasts (as played by Kira Reed):

Like it says in the summary, these gals find themselves posted on "The Internet," which, despite the fact that this film was made in 2003, is represented by what appears to be Netscape 4.0 and a bunch of posters. For some reason that's non made clear, this angers a local contingent of Catholic mothers–i of whom is played by what appears to be the youngest woman in the pic–and they determine to respond past contracting a hit with a squad of Catholic Schoolgirl Ninjas.

Yep, that's right: This movie has Catholic Schoolgirl Ninjas vs. Cheerleader Ninjas, and it is all the same horrible. That's the kind of affair you have to actively piece of work to screw up, and yet, hither we are. For this portion of the film, though, you can lay the blame mostly at the feet of i human:

This is Stephen (as played past Someone's Drama Instructor), and he is probably the most offensive gay stereotype in the history of moving picture. You call back the gay guy from Con Air, who takes the outset opportunity to put on a dress and and so when the plane crashes at the end, he comes out of the wreckage and starts talking about how hot all the cops are? Stephen makes that guy look like Anderson Cooper. Seriously, at that place's a five minute sequence where he does nothing merely watch smoke coming out of a man's ass.

To exist fair, the filmmakers–or as they're more commonly known, "the perpetrators of the anathema"–aren't really going for annihilation that should be taken even remotely seriously. It'due south obvious from the showtime that they're trying to pull off something more like a Zucker Brothers moving picture than anything else, just manage to fail spectacularly on virtually every level, replacing the snappy charm and memorable lines of a motion picture like Airplane! with fart jokes and the improver of "wacky" sound furnishings to every single scene. And when I say "fart jokes," I mean that this is the only avenue of comedy pursued in the movie.

But imagine the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles, only an hour and a half long, completely unfunny, and played while you were being stabbed in the face up.

What? Oh, right, the plot. So the girls have questions most this whole "Cyberspace" matter, then they turn to the about user-friendly souce of data: Nerds.

And brother, if you don't recall this leads to a series of truly stomach-turning Shatner impressions, and so you lot haven't been paying attention. So, you know. Lucky you.

Anyway, the nerds concord to help the girls, and despite the fact that I've watched this matter i and a one-half times, I take no idea how they go about it. Information technology might aid if the film was actually edited with something other than a lawnmower, but at this bespeak, I'one thousand really not sure. Suffice to say that the cheerleaders get browbeaten upward by the schoolgirls, and then decide to go learn karate from a guy whose proper name I didn't take hold of…

…then let's just call him Ted Nugent's Hippie Cousin.

This, incidentally, is as well where you'll detect the merely funny joke in the unabridged movie–and to be honest, information technology might just be the delerium setting in after the concluding xl minutes–when Angela is practicing with her Katana and accidentally murders a very rare acquit:

Once that's washed, the Cheerleaders fight the Schoolgirls for a fourth time… and so a fifth time… and so a sixth time, until they finally use the power of "the Net" to plow into giant kaiju-style robots, and–no.

Y'all know what? I'yard done. Because if I force myself to watch information technology for one more than second, my brain'll explode out of sheer spite.

But there's a lesson to be learned here, and that is this: Bring Information technology On might not be the best motion-picture show out in that location, but come on: It's a hell of a lot better than this cheertrocity.

TONIGHT's BRING Information technology ON WEEK CHEERFILIATES

Whew. Subsequently that cheerplosion of spite, information technology's probably better to go back on track with something we can all be happy almost: More content from the ISB's Cheerfiliates!

Get-go upward, Erin Palette combines the two things that the Internet was made for: scantily clad women and jokes nigh cats.

And secondly, the ISB'south favorite little stuffed animate being, Corking goes all out to become the Head Cheerfiliate! Not only has he adopted a special Bring It On Week header, but given united states two great posts: An explanation of how the Rancho Carne Toros are just similar the Ten-Men, and an extended fumetti sequence on Torrance Shipman: Chief of Timing. Congratulations, Groovy! Yous're at the top of the pyramid!

Bring It On Week continues! And while I did my all-time to catch the poor unfortunates among you up to speed with my 30-second recap of the original Bring It On final dark, I realize that–peculiarly in matters of bikini carwash scenes–there's actually no substitute for the original.

And that'southward where tonight'southward event–the cent-cheer-piece of Bring It On calendar week, if you will–comes in!

At this bespeak, it should come equally no surprise that I own a copy of Bring It On. In fact, along with stuff like The Big Lebowski, Caddyshack, and of course, the infinitely awesome Josie and the Pussycats, it'southward one of the DVDs that I continue in the rotation for background noise whenever I'g upwardly tardily writing.

All the same, always since the release of Bring It On Iv: In It To Win It (or Bring It On: Striking It And Quit It, as Republic of chad calls it) prompted me to pick upward the complete Cheerbook Collection, I've had two copies of the original laying effectually. And since that's an honor that I but reserve for one film–that being Sonny Chiba's The Street Fighter–I'm offer information technology upwardly to i lucky ISB reader!

The rules? Simple: Just bop on over to this post by full-time cheerfiliate Dr. Thou, read upwards on the titles we've come upward with for the next Bring It On sequel, and then come back here and go out a comment with your ain suggestion. If I pick yours, you get a complimentary motion picture, a copy of the ISB 2007 Convention Special with a terrible drawing of your favorite grapheme, and any else I have laying around when it comes time to mail stuff.

Merely here'south the catch: You lot've merely got one shot, and you lot've gotta vanquish me and Dr. Grand at a game we take played for hours on end. And to be honest, we're tough to crush, particularly given that we've already covered both Scream, Bring It On, Scream and I'll Kill You, I'll Bury You, and I'll Bring Information technology On, Too!, which, considering In Information technology To Win It's at present famous Chainsaw Scene…

…are an oddly advisable pair.

At present become cheerin'!

Note: Keep 'em comin, but delight, ane per customer. I'll decide on Sabbatum who gets the prize.

This evening'S BRING It ON Week CHEERFILIATES:

The comics-reading intelligentsia joins the groundswell of support for Bring It On Week!

First up, Tangognat combines the fun of cheerleading with the fun of science… Library Scientific discipline! Information technology's, uh, a lot more interesting than I'chiliad making it sound. Be sure to check out the entry on Radical Cheerleading, wherein enterprising immature women stick it to The Human being with the power of perkiness. Remember, folks: The Cheervolution Volition Not Be Televised.

Next, Bitterandrew's Armagideon Time gets in on the activity as just the Official Maestro of the ISB could, by examining two songs used in the pic that yous won't find on the OST in his standard, incredibly cheertriguing style.

And finally, Phil gets in on the action by explaining but how someone tin see Bring Information technology On in the theater three times… "by blow." Sure, Phil. Sure.

TOMORROW ON THE ISB:
Bring It On Week Soars to Boundless New Heights
And Terrifying New Lows
As nosotros bring you lot the Moving-picture show Review Y'all NEVER Expected!

Do You DARE Anger The Cheer Gods Past Missing Information technology?!